How can catching foxes save your relationship?

How Can Catching Foxes Save Your Relationship?

For so many of us, the word “Sorry” comes with a whole heap of baggage! 

When we are in a committed relationship, we rarely try to cause pain to our partners, but conflict inevitably happens in every relationship (even ours!). So, when an issue or argument arises in your relationship, how do you deal with it? 

Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that couples classically respond to conflict in five different ways:

1.     Peacekeeping couples – these couples try to avoid conflict at all costs, and therefore rarely bring up issues or apologise for any hurt that has been caused.

2.     Passionate couples – these couples fight and make up with equal passion, sometimes apologising with grand gestures.

3.     Patient couples – these couples take time to listen to one another’s experience of the conflict, own any part of the hurt that was caused and sincerely apologise.

4.     Protective couples – these couples are protective of their own opinions and motives during an argument and are quick to blame their partner, rather than owning their own behaviours.

5.     Prickly couples – these couples often feel frustrated and lonely in their relationship, criticising and showing contempt, rather than seeking opportunities to apologise.

Which kind of couple sounds most like you and your partner?

Nahum and I are usually a ‘patient couple’. We both dislike explosive conflict and prefer to seek to understand rather than blame, however, there have been times when we have slipped into ‘peacekeeping’ mode to avoid difficult discussions. It turns out, when you avoid problems in a relationship they don’t go away – in fact, they tend to get hidden under a blanket of resentment!

Over the past 16 years, we have had to learn strategies to confront one another gently, so that we can resolve issues early. We didn’t want to sweep issues under the rug and slowly become resentful. We wanted to be able to bring up issues in a way that reminded us both that we were on the same team. So, we decided that we had to come up with some kind of phrase as a cue to remind ourselves that bringing up issues gently was for the betterment of ‘us’.

Early in our relationship, we stumbled upon an old Hebrew quote “Catch the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard.” For us, our relationship is the vineyard – it’s nurtured and lush (and often includes some wine!). We decided that if we wanted to really care for our relationship (vineyard), then we would need to catch the little issues (foxes) before they ruin it.

This phrase has become our cue to one another to have a slightly difficult conversation about an issue or problem. We will say to one another, “Honey, I’d like to catch a fox with you.” By using this phrase, we remind each other that we are bringing up an issue, not to blame or shame the other person, but because we both love our lush vineyard of a relationship. 

When we sit down to have the conversation, we make sure that we are focused, calm and ready to listen. When Nahum or I share about the ‘fox’ – the thing that hurt us – the other person listens and apologises, regardless of whether they ‘meant to’ cause hurt or not. We both get a chance to listen, explain and say sorry, then together we come up with a better way forward for both of us. 

So, when you and your partner next come across a ‘fox’, remember that sorry doesn’t have be a hard word to say – it can simply be the first step in taking care of your relationship (and enjoying a glass of wine together!)

Like any skill, it can take practice and support to create a gentle cue for managing conflict. If you would like to work on your couple communication and conflict resolution, we would love to help! Just contact admin@lighthouserelationships and we can help you figure out the best option for you.