How your reference point can cause conflict
Do you ever wonder how your partner can be so loving, kind, and generally awesome - but not care enough about you to place dirty socks in the wash instead of your lounge room floor? Or, from the other side of the fence, perhaps you wonder why your partner keeps devaluing all the things you do by nagging you about all the things you don’t do?
This is a really common scenario; and there may be a few things going on - for example, is the issue actually the way we’re communicating (or not communicating) on the topic? But there is one dynamic that seems to come up over and over in couples that I see in my psychology practice - couples working from different reference points.
What does that mean? Well, simply put, having different reference points - especially when it comes to who does what in terms of housework and childcare. Let me give you and example. People in at least three different couples I’ve worked with over the past month alone have said something like this:
Partner A:“I don’t know why you get so upset about what I don’t do around the house - I do ten times the amount my dad ever did, and my mum and dad were pretty happy.”
Partner B: “But I still get exhausted doing way more than you!!”
In these two sentences the couple has revealed one of the sources of their conflict to be reference points. In the above example, Partner A’s reference point is how much their father did, i.e. comparison to someone external to the couple. By this measure, it is completely true that Partner A is ‘winning’ - is better than they might otherwise be. By using this reference point, Partner A is able to say with certainty that they are doing well.
However, the clash comes when Partner B has a different reference point - Partner B is comparing within the couple. Partner B can say with equal certainty that Partner A is not ‘winning’, is not ‘doing enough’.
So how do we square this circle?
You guessed it, a shift in reference point is in order. Partner B from the above couple could use some of the below phrases to begin their journey of change and growth to a less conflicted space. (It’s important to remember a calm tone and gentle approach will go further than an angry or demanding tone).
“Honey, it’s true that you do way more than you dad ever did; and I’m really grateful for the things you do.” (Acknowledgement).
“I guess, though, that I really deliberately didn’t marry your mum or dad.” (Skip this line if things are too sensitive for humour to be brought into the discussion. But, if you can use humour and still have things OK between you, I’ve seen this work well).
“Something I’m feeling is pretty exhausted, and stress by the amount that I seem to have picked up without ever having a proper conversation with you about it. I need to feel we’re approaching this thing as a team. I’m wondering, would you be open to us looking at everything we do between the two of us, and seeing if that’s the best fit for how we really want things to be?” (Sharing feelings and making a clear request - without blame or demand).
In the above script, partner B is gently inviting Partner A to shift perspective, to bring their reference point back to within the couple.
Clearly this is just the beginning of a process of shifting reference points - but I hope that having these few ‘lines’ of things you may say at least gives a starting point for shifting reference points within your own relationship!
Nahum