The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: What they are and how Relationship Counselling can help - Lighthouse Relationships Brisbane

Dr. John Gottman, renowned psychologist and relationship expert has spent decades on a quest to uncover the secrets behind both successful and failing relationships. What emerged from his research and analysis were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – guaranteed to put an end to successful conversations and powerful predictors of relationship breakdown.  

The Four Horsemen Unveiled 

Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse represent four negative communication patterns that can poison the wellsprings of love and trust in a relationship. 

1. Criticism  

Criticism, the first horseman, emerges when partners resort to personal attacks and character assassination instead of addressing specific issues. It involves using blaming language that can make the other person feel attacked, inadequate, or unloved. 

Example: Instead of expressing concern about a partner's messy habits, criticism would sound like, "You are so lazy and careless! You never clean up after yourself!" 

2. Contempt 

Contempt, the most lethal of the Four Horsemen, goes beyond criticism. It involves an air of superiority, mockery, and disdain towards one's partner. It conveys a complete lack of respect and creates emotional distance. 

Example: Eye-rolling, sarcasm, and derogatory name-calling are all forms of contempt. For instance, responding to a partner's mistake with, "You're such an idiot, I can't believe I'm with you." 

3. Defensiveness  

Defensiveness is a self-protective response to perceived attacks or criticism. When faced with complaints, defensiveness leads one to play the victim, dodge responsibility, or counterattack, perpetuating a cycle of negativity. 

Example: In response to a partner's complaint about being ignored, defensiveness would manifest as, "I'm not the only one at fault here. You never listen to me either!" 

4. Stonewalling  

Stonewalling, the final horseman, unfolds when one partner emotionally withdraws from the interaction to avoid conflict. This often involves shutting down, becoming unresponsive, and creating a silent wall of separation. 

Example: When overwhelmed by an argument, a stonewalling partner might walk away or give monosyllabic responses, effectively shutting down communication. 

How can Relationship Counselling Help with the Four Horsemen? 

While the Four Horsemen can be ominous, they also serve as a guide for recognising and addressing harmful relationship dynamics. Fortunately, Dr. Gottman's research doesn't end with the identification of these destructive patterns. He also reveals antidotes and positive communication strategies that can transform relationships and build lasting bonds. Relationship counseling can be incredibly beneficial in addressing Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and helping couples overcome destructive communication patterns. With the guidance of our skilled relationship counsellors located in Brisbane and the commitment of the couple, overcoming the Four Horsemen is possible, leading to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.